Most of us define financial security as the key to a more organized life and secure future. However, for most of us, this is only part of the picture. Feeling comfortable about handling money is a big part of financial security, too.

    In our clinical and educational work we've looked closely at money literacy and people's motivation to spend, save, and invest. We observed the uneven quality of people's relationship with money and the discomfort people can feel when handling their finances. Most of us bring money habits and anxieties into partnerships and marriages. Unchecked control issues can reach loved ones, often with unintended consequences, and sometimes even well beyond our graves.

    Beliefs about money can vary broadly too, from the notion that accumulating money is evil, to the inability to feel financially secure no matter how faithfully one saves and invests for the future.

      The good news is that we have begun to examine people's often-taboo relationship with money. We're learning that when people are willing to ask tough questions of themselves, they can increase their financial literacy and comfort levels in handling money matters. They become better partners, parents, employers, and employees. They become more savvy consumers, too.

Here are the top 10 money myths, followed by some new ways of thinking about finances that you might find very useful:

1. Having money means fewer worries and ease of living.
   We tend to think that people who have money are wiser, more mature, self-disciplined, self-confident, and untroubled. Yet having money doesn't necessarily lead to feelings of security, or even to feelings of financial security. How we feel about money and how comfortable we are in managing money is not determined by the size of our bank account, but by our attitudes. We must take full responsibility for setting life priorities and making choices each day in the service of those priorities.
2. Financial issues are too complicated to understand and master.
   Financial literary is like most life challenges. We must learn the fundamentals one at a time. We've coined the phrase "money studies" to define the ongoing quest to learn and understand personal finances. To be successful, we must be patient. We need to seek appropriate guidance from skilled family members, friends, or professionals when advice is needed. We need to know and respect our discomfort levels, and even back off from making a financial decision occasionally. This attitude can make the difference between being vulnerable to slick advertising and feeling in control of our spending impulses.
3. Money management in everyday life should be left to an expert.
   We all need to take responsibility for our patterns of spending, difficulties with budgeting, and willingness to plan for future life events. We need the courage to communicate with family members and significant others in order to feel good about the state of our financial well-being. Then, we are in a position to choose financial experts wisely and deal most constructively with them.
4. Genuine love and true commitment will conquer all, including money problems.
   Too often anxiety over money matters gets rationalized when we are in love, but this is romantic rather than realistic. We are really setting the stage for painful disillusionment that is as predictable as it is unnecessary. What genuine love and true commitment can do is help us establish dialogue with our partners that must include the honest expression of our money feelings.
5. Better quality costs more.
   Quality and cost are not always linked, but the image of quality portrayed by elaborate packaging and advertising usually is linked to cost. Be a money-conscious consumer and not just of your own money. What companies pay for materials, labor, brand, advertising, supply and demand, country of origin, and competition are all factors that impact the prices we pay for goods and services.
6. Credit cards are convenient devices that make purchasing easy.
   Yes, if only in the ironic sense of being too easy. With credit card use, one side of the exchange transaction is missing - the act of consciously paying money for goods or services received. This can lead to impulse buying, one of the biggest causes of financial difficulties in this country. Throughout recorded history, the exchange of valued items formed a ritual basis for human interaction. This in turn fostered communication among peoples despite language barriers.  While none of us wants to return to primitive living, we would benefit by consciously planning our credit card  purchases and limiting impulse buying  to a budgeted amount each month.
7. Money is a substitute for love or spending time with someone.
   Few would agree that this is true, but our actions speak louder than words.  Money is a symbol of success, power and value. Too often it is substituted for other types of investments in relationships, like time, energy, thoughtfulness and empathy. While most of us would like to deny doing this, it is amazing how amply we invest our relationships with material gifts while giving little thought to this underlying irrational principle.
8. Financial security is determined by the amount of our accumulated capital and our readiness for retirement and old age.
   Security is never determined by quantitative measurement but rather by our attitudes and beliefs about others and about life in general. Real security is the sustained feeling and belief that one can handle unforeseen challenges as they arise, whether they concern our financial affairs or not.
9. Money management should be handled by the marriage partner most comfortable or skilled in financial affairs.
   Both partners in a marriage should be actively engaged in or at least knowledgeable about, all aspects of the couple’s finances. Working with a loved one on the business affairs of your marriage can be fun and personally rewarding and not just in the area of finances.
10. A lot of money is the best gauge of success in our society.
    While this myth forms the basis for much of society's interactions, it is nevertheless a myth. Yes, the accumulation of money is one driving force. When we really look at the sad (and sometimes tragic) lives that have been governed by wealth, we can see its uselessness as a primary success indicator. Even opinion polls disagree with this widely held notion about the power of money. They show life satisfaction, a happy marriage, and feeling in control as more cherished signs of success than a lot of money by a very large margin! 

Conclusion

    Myths persist because we have a need to cover the truths they hide. If we want to change, however, we are always required to put aside the habits that got us where we are in the first place. That means asking the difficult questions  that heal us and offer hope for real  change. The route to healthy money relationships is paved with answers, but it is not one of quick fixes. Instead it is thinking differently, taking responsibility and connecting to our loved ones in common effort that can bring us riches in all of our relationships.

Copyright by Lois A. Vitt, Ph.D & Noel A. Schweig, M.D.  

Dr. Vitt is president of Money Studies, Inc.,

Charlottesville, Va.

Noel A. Schweig, M.D. is a psychoanalyst and psychotherapist in practice in Washington, D.C. and Middleburg, Va. For many years he has helped people identify and resolve conflicts that often include money-related issues.